


i've been a martyr for love (and i will die in the flames)

by icedmachinery, icemachine



Category: Doom Patrol (TV)
Genre: Gen, Other, Pre-Canon, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, it really was intended as platonic i swear, well. Platonically.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:13:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26658745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedmachinery/pseuds/icedmachinery, https://archiveofourown.org/users/icemachine/pseuds/icemachine
Summary: Their wantings have increased; they didn’t want this but they have found a hole inside of them that is wolf-hungry, that only knows how to want, want want want on repeat inside of it when it is not satiated, if it can ever be satiated. Sex is the only distraction that works now; it stops the torture.
Relationships: Keeg Bovo & Larry Trainor, Keeg Bovo/Other(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14
Collections: Allbingo





	i've been a martyr for love (and i will die in the flames)

**Author's Note:**

> content warnings: objectification/using someone for sex (it is consensual but not healthy + portrayed in a negative light), trauma, very unhealthy coping mechanisms, the lines between types of affection are kinda blurred (unintentionally on my part) -- this is more of a vent fic than anything
> 
> for my allbingo card, prompt: wild card/ "hungry like the wolf"

It happens, for the first time, when Keeg is not even supposed to be out; it is New Year’s Day 1990, and everyone is celebrating. 

Everyone except Larry.

He hides in his bedroom and Keeg loves every atom that composes his body, loves everything stretched across him, loves every single aspect and crevice of his mind. Keeg is love. Keeg is love personified, love as a being that masquerades itself under the title of Negative Spirit, love exhuming. Love like uncovering a corpse and Larry presses his fist to his chest and his mind, as he rests on his bed in torment, focuses on hatred, camera-shuttering their form, imagining separation.

Keeg cannot bear it.

They leave his body. Rita shoots them a look like a violent arrow; she doesn’t know, none of them know. They would unravel themselves if Larry Trainor asked -- would do anything for Larry Trainor -- but no one knows. They turn away and float away, away, away. Broken. 

Keeg goes into Cloverton, stays within the darkness of the alleyways. Doesn’t show themselves to the public, hides in fear. If someone sees them—-

If the wrong person sees them—

They want a distraction and their distraction comes in the form of a man -- early thirties, dark hair, shining eyes. He looks almost like—

He’s smoking behind a night club, clothing drenched in black, and they hear it, within the building:  _ however far away, I will always love you, I will always love you  _ until the music fades out —

they do not desire Larry in this way but they desire to be desired—

They stop as he takes in the sight of them, their mind not quite frightened but certainly not calm (if the wrong person sees them—) & all that he does is smile, breathe out smoke, and wave at them.

“You lost?” he asks. Keeg is lost. Keeg is misplaced on Earth. Keeg knows home, and their home is Larry now —  _ yes,  _ they are lost.

They try to speak, but their voice—

Keeg nods. They don’t know where they are, they only know that they’re away from the manor, and, in this moment, no longer suffocating.

“What exactly are you?” When Keeg crosses their arms, turns away: “Jeez, sorry. Didn’t mean to offend.” Pause. “It’s not every day you see something like.... well… you.”

It begins with him  _ looking  _ at Keeg in a way that  _ no one ever has;  _ with hunger, with desire, and it ends with Keeg’s back pressed against a concrete wall, their legs wrapped around this nameless man’s waist as he thrusts into them & their thoughts are blank and whitened as he paces faster, their thoughts and their loneliness temporarily demolished, their presence both undesignated  _ and  _ filled up with one name, one godlike name, alphabetical position  _ twelve— _

_ and it feels— _

so—

it feels—

it feels  _ good  _ and it sends an inexplicable flare throughout their entire body, suddenly solid and worthy, blossoming into something new —  _ this is their first time  _ and it’s with a man outside of a goth club and they know that he is taking advantage of them but it feels so

so

**_so_ **

human.

This is something that humanity  _ does,  _ and maybe, as they inch closer to human experience, as they get to live a life outside of Larry Trainor’s memory —  _ maybe he will — maybe he’ll —- maybe —- he could — maybe he won’t — maybe —- _

Keeg cannot be loved or desired; they can only be fucked, they can only be positioned. They will never know love beyond this — it will have to be enough. It is never enough, it will never be enough (until—) (but that won’t—) (he—), but it will have to be enough.

He eventually reaches his end, comes trembling inside of them & the feeling of it sends them into  _ heaven,  _ they did not believe in that concept but it feels so tangible now in this moment, every part of their presence bursting to overwhelm, they are shaking and embracing their release and they have their arm wrapped around his neck, pushing him harder against them, it’s meaningless — indistinct in this man’s life — but Keeg will never forget this as they come down from it, Keeg will never recover.

He pulls away, pushes himself back together, buckling, and Keeg —- Keeg —-

Keeg just leaves. That’s all, this is  _ everything —  _ he won’t want anything more, Keeg knows, and Keeg doesn’t want it either. They have to get back home. They have to find Larry again. They have to refill their purpose.

  
  


+

  
  


Keeg does not leave Larry for several weeks after this. He notices; within his mind, in the back depths of it:  _ maybe we’re getting somewhere, maybe my body is mine now.  _ His body is always his and Keeg’s humanoid form was modeled after Larry’s, inevitably and without intent. His body is his. His body is Keeg’s home, and he needs to realize that, he will never realize that, he will never accept them. It’s not like Keeg  _ wants  _ Larry to feel violated; they want him to embrace them, in any sense of the word, in any meaningful way. They can’t help it, they didn’t want this. Keeg wishes they had words within them—

that could—

Keeg didn’t want this, but their external body is Larry’s body & somehow it all circles back to that night — Keeg’s body that is Larry’s body being touched, wanted. It’s intrusive on their mind. It is unbearable. Their wantings have increased; they didn’t want this but they have found a hole inside of them that is wolf-hungry, that only knows how to want, want want want on repeat inside of it when it is not satiated, if it can ever be satiated. Sex is the only distraction that works now; it stops the torture. It makes everything — Larry’s hatred & opposition to their love, the pain that he causes — it makes — it melts everything down into something that can be consumed. And Keeg, at their very core, is a creature that consumes, wants to consume, just cannot allow themselves

to consume.

So.

They go out again.

They go out again and they go out again and again and somehow there is always a person that wants them but it is never the right person. They learn to reshape themselves for a woman in a forest on the outskirts of Cloverton, who spends hours with them, who comes three times tight around them and makes them think that this what they’re useful for --  _ only  _ this, makes them crave an apocalypse or big bad wolf or something --  _ anything --  _ anything boiling in the world that they can fight bravely and show Larry that they can be good.

The people of Cloverton are, in general, surprisingly open to exploring their limits — using them like they are an object, but at least this makes them a force for good instead of suffering. They still want to be here. They still love this town. They still don’t know how to love anything like they love—

and Larry never notices it, when they leave him for the others. He’s always asleep. What would he do if he knew? Would he be jealous — not of the others, but of Keeg’s ability to experience some kind of intimacy when he cannot ever be touched bare? Would he care? Would he be happy for them? Would he —-

it is sickening to think about, now, as they curl up within his body. They know the answer. Larry is getting ready for bed, and they know the answer, and it’s time for them to leave again.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> yeah.


End file.
